Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Night before last Simon and I were reading his take home reading was about a girl named Jill and a boy named Jebb.


Yes, Simon Jebb.

But that's not even a word.

Well, it's supposed to be a name.

But it's not. Is it a mistake? Is it supposed to say job?


What about jab?


Well, jib is a real word.

I know, but this is a name and it's Jebb.

That's not really a name.

Yes it is's Jill's hillbilly cousin who just came into town for a visit...they have weird names where he comes from.

And they don't know what bird cages look like either? (Jebb thinks the fan on the bus is a bird cage.)

Apparently not.

And they don't ride on buses? (Jebb thinks the bus has a face.)

No, that's where they make moon shine.

What's moon shine?

Forget, I brought it up...let's just finish this book...

***To any hillbilly's out there who may be reading this post...don't be offended we're probably related...on my husband's side of course.

***To any of my husband's family who may be reading this...well, who am I kidding, none of you are reading this and even if you were, you're stuck with me so there's nothing you can do except to avoid buses and drink some moonshine

Monday, March 21, 2011

World's Worst Social Reformer

I'm the world's worst social reformer.

Remember that complaint I filed about my local gas station firing all my beloved soda serving employees? Well, I got a response. Three of them to be exact. The company said that looked into my complaint and would be putting the store under new management (again), was very sorry for what had happened, and hoped that I would return soon.

Ok---so, I know that this big chain of gas stations really doesn't care about what I think or the nice people that got canned but, last Tuesday I stopped by to see if they really had changed things up like they promised. And to my surprise, they had.

A whole new, unsleezy crew was working there. And the thing is, if I started to frequent the place again I can see myself liking these people. But what about the ones that were fired unjustly??? Do I just forget them? Where are they? Why can't they just come back?

I swore I'd never go to the store again...but the company did try to fix what had happened...but I just want them to track down the old employees and rehire them. I know, I ask too much. And what makes everything worse is the fact that I'm tempted to go there again...the new crew seems likable and not all nasty and evil like the ones who came in and gave my buddies the boot.


Am I making too big of deal out of this or is big business getting the best of me?

Will I ever be able to stand up for the little guys? Can a Dr.Pepper addict like me ever make a difference? Probably not, and that is why I will voluntarily declare myself to be the world's worst social reformer.

Friday, March 18, 2011

You know you've watced too much TV when... become convinced that Cinderella was in fact, and animal hoarder.

That's right folks. Cinderella was an animal hoarder.

(That must have come as a real shock for poor old prince charming...what a shame, they should have dated longer.)

How did I discover this dark secret you ask? Well, I'll tell you. After hours of sitting on the couch watching cable classics like "Hoarders", "Confessions: Animal Hoarding" and "Hoarding: Buried Alive". I was watching Cinderella with Gracie one afternoon when it hit me....

...Cinderella has all the signs of a classic hoarder!!! Think about it. Many animals in a small confined space, animals in her bed and clothes. And let's not overlook the fact that she carries on conversations, sings, and makes clothes for all of them.

Then what about all that old junk she stores in her room? Hum??? How many of you have free standing dress forms, old trunks, dresses ready to be refashioned, and an army of sewing savvy mice at your fingertips? (And what about all those mice slinking around the house bringing back discarded items to add to the hoard? Looks suspicious to me. I'll bet they were trained...BY, none other than, CINDERELLA HERSELF!!!)

So really now that I am thinking about it that step mothers wicked bad rap was all wrong. What choice did she have other than to lock Cinderella up there in that tower? The animal stench alone must have been overwhelming! And then that whole dramatic story about her being made a slave in her own home...phooey! I bet that step mother was trying her best to break Cinderella of her unsanitary living habits.

Unfortunately, prince charming stepped in and "saved the day".

Happily ever after???
I seriously doubt it. If they were so happy why didn't we ever hear from them again?

OH! I'll tell you why! Because they all died of the plague carried in by the fleas on her rodents (and who ever was left alive were eventually done in by the predecessor to the bird flu). That's why.

Cinderella a poor neglected orphan? More like a raving animal hoarder with a serious tendency towards kleptomania.

And don't even get me started on Snow White...a new season of Sister Wives is starting and I can see some similarities there as, I've got to turn off the T.V.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

My First Filed Formal Complaint

This week I filed my first ever formal complaint against a company.

I may have felt very...I don't know justified...dignified...indignant...something if not for the fact that by filing the complaint I sealed my fate as a white trash champion forever.

That's right friends I lodged the complaint against the Chevron gas company.

And why you ask?
Don't I love my local gas station with their never ending supply of delicious, thirst quenching soda?

Why yes I do.
Or I should say I did.

But something rather unfortunate happened.

Recently the company came in and fired all the old and middle aged workers (...Crazy Eyes...Chain Smoker...The Guy That Needs a Shower...I'm Too Tired To Get Off My Chair Man...all of them whom I loved and gave Christmas gifts to...all of them that even my kids know on a first name basis) and replaced them with young, sour faced girls and creepy, younger men.

Who knows.

But I hate it.

And I don't go there anymore.
It makes me that mad.

Will my Dr.Pepper habit survive?
Will I ever love the gas station again?

Only time will tell.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Bix, Vin, and Tam

So Simon is bringing home his take home reading books. We read one incredibly mind numbing book every night and then return it the next day only to have it replaced by something else even more hideous than the first.

Who writes this crap?

Recently the characters in these masterpieces have had names that aren't even personal favorites are Tam, Bix, and Vin. (Apparently the authors of these books haven't visited a suburb here in these United States...if so the characters may have had names like Sam, Tom, Tim, Ben, Jen, Dan, etc...)

Is it too much to ask for my kid to learn to read something where he may actually use the words he's learning to read?

Oh well, I suppose Tam's bird watching adventure was more exciting than tonight's selection where the exact same sentence was repeated on every page. By page 5 Simon lets out a giant sigh and says, "I know, I KNOW!!! How many times do they have to tell me that worker bees help their families?!?"

7 times Simon. 7 times. At least that is how many pages were in your book.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Oh S@#*%! I Need To Buy My Daughter Some Princess Movies!

Since my first child was a boy we are a little heavy on the made for boys movies. Most of our cartoons are DVD's like Robin Hood, Toy Story, Kung Fu Panda, Cars, etc. Then as he got older we bought movies like Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Jumungi, The Never Ending Story and of course...The Sandlot.

The Sandlot. It's a classic and one of my top ten favorite movies of all time. I just love it. And so do my kids. Especially Grace my lovely, beautiful, tiny 2 year old daughter.

She can't get enough of it. She would have it running all the time on every TV if we would let her.

But we won't.
Especially now.

See, there is this really exciting part in the movie where Benny "pickles the beast" at which point the beast (a giant killer dog gorilla thing that ate one kid already) leaps the fence and heads straight towards Benny. As Benny turns his head to see the approaching doom he yells, "Oh S#%*!" and takes off in a dead run.

Now, I don't blame Benny for his bad language or for his bad influence on Grace but for the time being Benny is banned from our house. Sorry Benny.

However, I think that everyone will accept the banishment as just when they learn (or hear or see) my delicate little blue eyed, blond curly headed toddler yelling "Oh S#%*!" and taking off in a dead run anytime something even remotely exciting happens. (Try laughing that off in the hallway at church...or the grocery store..or the toy section of Target.)

The evidence is clear.
It's time to invest in some princess movies.

(Oh...what was that? I could just be a better parent? Teach her better language? Make her use her imagination? Please. Do you even know me? sheez.....)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Does Every Creep Begin With Kay?

Is anyone else freaked out by the current Kay Jewelers commercial....attractive woman alone in a cabin in the woods with a serial killer? ( I don't know if he's a serial killer or not but if I was a betting woman my money would be on death.)

The weather is bad. In fact according to the boyfriend, it's the worst storm in years. The woman is scared. A boulder careens into the window which miraculously doesn't break. (I'm not sure how--- possibly it was launched by a remote controlled catapult for dramatic effect by said boyfriend.)

The woman jumps and then is grabbed by Captain Wet Hair who is wearing a sweater and holding a box (which to me is a far scarier combination than the storm with the flying foam boulders). "Don't worry, I'm here." he says in a soothing voice while pulling her closer.

Then enter the voice change...think Jack Nicholson in The Shining OR (no no no this is better ) in Silence of the Lambs when he says "Clarice"----yea, that's you hear him end the commercial with "and I always will be."


HOld on. Let me say that again...AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Don't take the ring lady! DON'T TAKE THE RING!!!!
For crying out loud haven't you ever seen a horror movie? Where did you spend your teenage years? Under a rock? Watching the Sound of Music? This night will not end well. Do you hear me? THIS NIGHT WILL NOT END WELL!!!!

Ok, liz...calm down. It was just a commercial. No search parties will be formed in the morning. You can sleep easy. Just try not to think about the cabin with the man who will always be there.