Next time I'll Choose Death

My sinus infection is back---plugged ears, congestion, sore face and teeth, swollen lymph nodes, headache---the usual. I can barely function this morning. I know I need help. Since we live in no mans land I load up the kids and drive to the closest place I can...an urgent care center.

Oh man. I walk in and the place is packed with puffy-eyed bed heads coughing up a storm or laying back in the nasty chairs with their eyes closed waiting for death. I log in. We sit down.

With in minutes a weirdo has found me. She pulls up a chair next to us and starts asking me 75 million questions about my kids. Ages, birthdays, how much they weighed at birth, how long they sleep, what they ate for breakfast, on and on.

Meanwhile I notice that Simon has smuggled in a peanut butter sandwich which he is using as a truck and driving it up and down the arms of a germ covered chair. I go mental and make him throw it in the garbage. Unfortunately before letting it go he became possessed by the Lord of the Germs and took a magnificent bite out of the crust which he proclaimed was "tasty".

While this is happening a mom comes in with her girl and tells her to "go play" while she checks in. Where does she chose to play? On the seat that Simon vacated on his trip to the garbage can! There she begins to lay out a full sized afghan, an armload of books, and a pile of play jewelry. As nicely as I can I explain that this is my son's seat and to please find another chair.

Maybe she didn't understand me or maybe she didn't understand not getting her way because even though she seemed to be at least 5 I ended up physically moving her stuff over a seat and then she spent the next 15 minutes trying to load her stuff back onto the chair on top of Simon while her mom talked on the phone.

As if the crazy woman talking to me and the girl burying a disgruntled Simon weren't enough, another mother brings in two children which she also sends to "go play'.

Now, I'm going to stop right here for a minute to say A DOCTORS OFFICE IS NOT A PLAYGROUND SO #1 DON'T JUST SEND YOUR KIDS "TO PLAY" WHILE READING A MAGAZINE AND #2 A DOCTORS OFFICE IS WHERE YOU GO WHEN YOU ARE SICK SO INVADING THEIR PERSONAL SPACE AND CARRYING ON LONG CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM IS BAD FORM. NO ONE WANTS YOUR SICKNESS AS WELL!

Ok, as I was saying two more children arrive. And as soon as they see eliza they swarm. Petting her head and face, trying to feed her, and rearranging her blanket. Again, I'm trying not to be rude so I ask them to just look and not touch my baby. At which point the mom says something to the effect that they just love babies and are so careful with them and tells them to be gentle with her.

Be gentle? How about taking a hint and keeping your kids with the jello cream boogers away from the baby? Now I'm holding eliza, trying to keep Simon from murdering the princess next door, and carrying on the never ending conversation with the kooky close talker.

Just when I am about to fill the room with upper cuts they call my name. Making a hasty retreat to the examination room I pull out the wet wipes and give Simon a piece of gum for his exceptional use of self restraint. Exhausted I flop down on the chair. Simon unwraps his gum, pops it into his mouth and with pure joy exclaims, "This gum is FANTASTIC!"

I laugh. Really hard. And the nurse comes in. As she is taking my blood pressure I see Simon take his gum out and roll it into a snake but before I can stop him we make eye contact and he pops it back into his mouth. AGHHHHHH!

By tomorrow he's sure to have hepatitis, gonorrhea, the plague, something awful. And all I can say is before I ever go to an urgent care center again I'll choose death first.