An Answer to one of Life's Mysteries

This weekend I had one of life's mysteries answered for me.

If one farts in the cold does it form a smoke cloud?

And the answer is: Yes, yes it does.

This weekend I was running a race. It started in the middle of the desert at 6:30 a.m.. Now, don't let the desert thing throw you off. It was cold. Dang freaking cold. We had to be on a bus headed to the start line at 5:30 where we were dumped out and left to wander in the freezing wilderness. AND IT WAS COLD!!! My hands and feet went numb before the race started cold. See your breath when you are talking cold. That cold. But I digress....

The race begins, daylight starts to peek over the mountains, and I'm slogging uphill when I see highlighted by the rising sun a puff of smoke exit the behind of the man in front of me. (If I'm lyin' I'm dyin') And simultaneously my brain thinks two things: #1--HOLD YOUR BREATH! and #2--If you fart in the cold it will indeed make a smoke cloud. Interesting.

Now, is it gross to dedicate a post solely to fart clouds? Yes.

But don't tell me you've never wondered about it before. Come on, admit it. (And if you haven't I'm sure your husband has.) And now you can both stop wondering. The answer has been confirmed. So instead of judging me harshly just consider this a public service announcement and remember it next time you are enjoying the cold outdoors.

Trouble at the Top Stop

After returning from a field trip to a farm with 15 preschoolers and 3 two year olds I needed a drink...a big one.


Sure, the field trip was fun but with kids and animals I'm in a perpetual state of panic that someone is going to get lost or maimed. Luckily, none of that happened today. Until...


We pulled into the gas station which was unusually busy. The only spot left was on the end next to a gangsta mobile. Suped up little silver car, battle ax hubcaps, black lights (do you really need them on during the day?), barbed wire license plate holder, and of course the bass turned way up so you can feel it in your heart.


Whatever, I don't care. I need my Dr. Pepper. Simon hops out and as I'm unloading Gracie I feel something in my hair. Something angry.


(Are you scared yet? I was.) I flip around thinking one of the smoking homies was messing with me. Nope. Nothing there. I unbuckle Gracie's other buckle and it's back and it's stuck. And now I know what it is. It's a freaking hornet buzzing like its nobodies business because it's caught in my hair!


Now if you think I'm a mess when you mix kids and cows you should see me with bugs on my head. I'm jumping up and down, screaming, waving my arms, and doing the crazy person dance. I'm so insane that I crash right into the silver car of death. At which point out come the gangsters in their bandannas and baggy pants to beat me down. But who cares? I'VE GOT A BEE ON ME!!!


With in seconds I'm surrounded by these young guys all swatting me and I realize they aren't going to kill me they are trying to get the bee off me. During all of this I catch a glimpse of Simon standing up against the wall of the store with his hands over his ears and a terrified look on his face and somewhere in my mind I thought, yep, this just about seals the deal on therapy in his future.


Finally the bee flies away. All of us stare at each other. No one says anything. It's like the earth stood still. The homies disappear into the car and we go inside for our sodas.


Why can't I ever just be normal?

The Italian Stallion

Tonight I went running. Conditions were perfect. The weather was warm. The sun was setting. The breeze was slight.

I wore my brand new ridiculously expensive running clothes. My IPOD was fully charged and my hair was securely pulled back. As I ran down the trail I could see my shadow floating at my side on the slotted fences. Man, I looked like an athlete.

The Rocky song came on and I knew I was the champion. Yea, even the Itailian Stallion. I was feeling it so much I even jumped a smoking pile of dog poo. And it was a big pile. And I did it in a single bound. Da da da Da da da Dun dun dun Da da da...

OH YEAH! I was feeling good. All I needed then were some steps to climb and a side of beef to punch. BRING IT ON!!! ADRIENE!!!!

And, it was just about then that a 6 year old wearing white sandals and pedal pushers passed me on her Barbie bike.

DA Da da DA Da da ...

Maybe Not Mother of the Year but Still...

This weekend I spent 5 hours tucked in the back seat of a small car.

I was sandwiched between my two small children, their enormous car seats, and all their road trip paraphernalia.

Jon had to work so it was my kids and I tagging along with my family.


As we sped down the road I realized that my kids had me captive. Simon took full advantage of this and I fielded an onslaught of never ending questions...What color is the Easter bunny? What happens if you drink your own blood? Is grandpa's truck faster than an earthquake? Meanwhile Grace spent her time "doing my makeup" and begging to be held. And during all of this my sister was playing a random mix of Lady Gaga, the Glee soundtrack, and so forth.


When we came to a gas station in the middle of nowhere I was happy for a break. My two siblings bopped out of the car and disappeared. I unbuckled both kids and literally climbed out of the car.


Simon had to potty and so did I but I couldn't find either of my siblings for a helping hand. That left me alone to face the restroom with the kids. If you've never taken two children in a stall and held one of them all while making sure you and the 5 year old potty and that no one touches the toilet or door or floor...don't. It's is highly unrecommendable. I almost had a hernia trying to keep my kids from getting germafied. It was not the best few minutes of my life but we came out clean and ready to go again.


Feeling proud we perused the gas station aisles for treats. Which we bought and headed for the car. Um, did I mention it was storming? If I didn't, it was. Picture Dorthy in Kansas on her bike...except in the middle of the desert.

And my brother, trying to be polite to other customers pulling in , had moved his car to the other side of the parking lot after filling up. Sure, that's nice and all but I still had to get myself and two kids back into it and now it's parked a bazillion miles a way! Thanks.



He flashes his lights so I can spot him through the dust and flying debris. So here we come, Simon hanging onto my leg afraid he's about to be blown away and me carrying Grace, a fountain drink, 2 milk chugs, and 1 giant bowl of crappy popcorn.

As the popcorn blew away kernel by kernel and I realized we were only half way home I thought I may not be the mother of the year but if we all make it home alive I deserve a medal.