Does Every Creep Begin With Kay?

Is anyone else freaked out by the current Kay Jewelers commercial....attractive woman alone in a cabin in the woods with a serial killer? (Ok...so I don't know if he's a serial killer or not but if I was a betting woman my money would be on death.)

The weather is bad. In fact according to the boyfriend, it's the worst storm in years. The woman is scared. A boulder careens into the window which miraculously doesn't break. (I'm not sure how--- possibly it was launched by a remote controlled catapult for dramatic effect by said boyfriend.)

The woman jumps and then is grabbed by Captain Wet Hair who is wearing a sweater and holding a box (which to me is a far scarier combination than the storm with the flying foam boulders). "Don't worry, I'm here." he says in a soothing voice while pulling her closer.

Then enter the voice change...think Jack Nicholson in The Shining OR (no no no this is better ) in Silence of the Lambs when he says "Clarice"----yea, that's it...as you hear him end the commercial with "and I always will be."

AAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOld on. Let me say that again...AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Don't take the ring lady! DON'T TAKE THE RING!!!!
For crying out loud haven't you ever seen a horror movie? Where did you spend your teenage years? Under a rock? Watching the Sound of Music? This night will not end well. Do you hear me? THIS NIGHT WILL NOT END WELL!!!!

Ok, liz...calm down. It was just a commercial. No search parties will be formed in the morning. You can sleep easy. Just try not to think about the cabin with the man who will always be there.

I Can't Believe I Said It Again

This blog is named after an incident where I found myself yelling at Simon in my mother's entry way as he was opening a can of whoop on her giant poinsettia plants.

In fact that scene was the catalyst for the creation of the blog. I started thinking about all the insane things I say, do, and have happen to me everyday and I thought I better write this stuff down because when I tell my kids these stories later they'll never believe me.

Who knows, maybe they won't believe me even having them written down. Heck, I don't believe half of them myself and I'm the one they happened to.....

...like this one:

I said it again...

This afternoon I found myself walking into the kitchen and yelling "Gracie!!! Don't Punch the Poinsettia's!!!"

Who knew that would happen twice?

Not me.
(How was I supposed to know that my children have been genetically altered to hate poinsettias?)

But there she was, standing on the kitchen table going mid-evil on my brand new poinsettia plant. Fists flying. Leaves dropping. Me yelling.

Don't believe it when they tell you that lightening doesn't strike twice.

I'm just praying I don't start reliving all the incidents from this blog...the working at Hooters (which I never did), the cat getting stuck on my head, the mating of plastic horses (if you didn't read about it...don't ask), and, well, pretty much every other story I've ever chronicled....I just don't think I can take it again.

Oh and kids just wait...One day when you're grown, you'll find me in your home during the holidays and what will I be doing? I'll be giving your poinsettias the beat down of their lives. And that will be a story you can believe.

Fushigi!

So, I just bought Simon a Fushigi for Christmas. That's right, a Fushigi. "The As Seen on TV Magic Anti-Gravity Ball!" FUSHIGI!!!!

It was just sitting there at Wal-Mart next to the Sponge-Bob-Square-Pants-Made-For-Adults-Snuggies. (No, I'm not kidding. I can't make crap like this up.) And I bought it.

I had to.

It was either that or let Simon buy it himself.

You see, he is completly taken by the advertisments with the floating metal ball and the nerd-a-rific tricks it can do. He's been saving up all his chore money and counting it everyday to see if he has "only $19.99 plus shipping and handling" so he can "order one today!" And I don't want him spending his hard earned, base board scrubbing money on a lousy piece of shanaynay.

So I bought the lousy piece of shanaynay...

And it was kind of embarrassing....at the Wal-Mart in my pajamas next to the Snuggies buying a Fushigi on my way to the gas station to get a soda...
...I bet people were wondering how many snot nosed brats I had waiting for me back at my mo-beel home...

Oh well, Merry Christmas Simon....I hope your Fushigi is everything you dream it will be.