Sunday, August 30, 2009

Karma & Chameleons

The other day I was more frazzled than usual. It was past dinner time and the kids had not been fed. In fact, I didn't even have a bottle with me for Grace. Simon was loosing his mind having just come from a 2 hour stay at the Home Depot choosing doors, hardware, and tile for the basement. And yet there we were at the fabric store.



It is a small store that is actually located inside a renovated old home. Darling. Just not so convenient for a worn out mother carrying a car seated baby and dragging a belligerent 4 year old. It was just before closing and the store was unusually busy. It seemed every time I moved I was knocking over fabric or bumping into someone. And then of course there were my children....



Grace started yelling. Just yelling. Loud crazy kid yells. No crying just yelling. Loud yelling. And she was not to be controlled. She had put up with enough and would only be satisfied with home and a milk. Nothing else.



Then there was Simon who carried on a constant dialog letting me know how "dumb dumb" this place was and how he needed to go home "right now" or I was going to be in "so much trouble". And then he had to pee. Which is when I discovered that their super tiny bathroom is up the worlds skinniest staircase. After hauling the troops up there (which was no small feat) Simon used the facilities and we headed back down the stairs where Simon mowed down a cranky worker lady and I dropped the fabric rolls I was carrying which tumbled into a cranky shopper.



It was about then that I noticed it---everyone in the store hated us. I was getting the stink eye from EVERYONE! Alright, I admit we were not a model family unit but I was doing my best and lest we forget it was the fabric that tumbled down the stairs and not my child so I should get some points for that. Also, all of those women sending me the bad mojo were my mothers age or older and I KNOW the majority of them were mothers (and grandmothers themselves) so they should have had sympathy for me or at the very least not crave the chance to tie up my children with over sized ric rac.



As I was snubbed some and stared at by others the only thing I could think about was karma karma karma.



You see I've noticed that the older women get the better their children were. To the point that they NEVER let their children misbehave EVER and you'd have NEVER seen their children doing that in public and well, you get the picture. And these women have lost all tolerance for anyone whose children are not perfect. If you don't believe me ask them---or just watch for them, at the grocery store, at restaurants, and even church. You'll know them when you see them. They're the ones shooting daggers at the poor mom trying to load a weeks worth of groceries around a car seat while two other children teasing each other in the cart.



I ran into some of these dandys a few weeks ago. My friend and I had taken our kids to the aquarium. There we saw all sort of cool animals---everything from jelly fish to electric eels to tree frogs. It was great but then we got hungry. Luckily we were near a salad buffet where we, and our kids, could all enjoy a meal. However...a salad buffet with two moms, two 4 year olds and two 1 year olds can be a little tricky.



The restaurant was fortunately fairly quiet and we managed to be the only ones in line. So the food train started. It went like this mom with a 1 year old followed by a 4 year old followed by a 4 year old followed by a mom with a 1 year old. The train moved slowly but there were no spills or disasters until two sweet looking grandmothers showed up behind us.



Before we realized it our food train was the object of the grandmothers loath fest. It started with the stares, then the stink eyes, then the huffing. We obviously were too slow and too messy for these women who apparently needed to get that fat free dressing on their salads RIGHT NOW DANG IT!!! We knew we were bugging them but you try to speed up a couple of little boys who are getting to be grown ups and choosing their own foods.



Then whispers started---loud enough to hear of course. Nothing too original---they would have never done anything like this with their kids, we should just make them hurry up, let's make sure not to end up sitting by them---the usual.



Finally they become so irritated with us that they stomp off and get into another line. I watch them looking at our kids (who are having a grand old time putting exotic items like jimaca and sunflower seeds on their trays) and can't believe they are really in that big of a hurry. And as I'm thinking to myself about the fact that they are just mean old ladies disguised as sweet grandmas it happens...



CRASH!!! Broken glass. Food everywhere.

Now, I know what you're thinking. But you were wrong. It wasn't us. Nope. One of those nasty old ladies was so involved with critiqing our every move that she wasn't watching where she put her plate and it slid onto the floor. Too bad. Karma's a killer. I just smiled sweetly at her and encouraged Simon to pile some more corn on his plate.



But, I ramble...back to where I began.... I don't know what happened to those ladies at the fabric store but as I left with my raw nerves and two children in full on melt downs I pictured a magnificent fabric domino take down crushing all those crabby ladies. Or maybe just one of them tumbling down the stairs, like my fabric. Nice? No, but at that point thoughts of vindictive karma were the only thing getting us home in one piece.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Caballo

Simon: That's stupid.

Me: Simon, we don't say stupid. That's a bad guy word.

Simon: Ok. That's caballo.

Me: Caballo? What does caballo mean?

Simon: Caballo means stupid.



It's moments like these that make me reflect and realize that I am too caballo to be raising children.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

It's A Dog's Life

Since we've gotten home from vacation life has been one big disaster after another and so I've been letting Simon watch a lot of movies. Actually, he's just been watching a lot of one movie. It's a collection of Super Mario Brothers cartoons that we rented from Red Box. We've had it so long we may actually own it by now. Who knows? All I know is that it has a really annoying song about dogs in it that keeps playing over and over in my head and has become the soundtrack for my life these past few weeks.

Like I said, we've had some disasters. A few of outstanding moments include the water pipe breaking in our basement, Jon's grandfather dying, a minor landslide in the backyard, Simon rolling himself up in the neighbors car window, my accidental shop lifting of a ton of goods from Wal-Mart (which I returned as soon as I found them to a very confused door greeter), potatoes catching fire in our oven, a mentally ill cat taking up residence in our garage, and of course my insanely noticeable, movie quality black eye that I've had since the day we came home (more on that later).

Every time I think I can't deal with one more thing one more thing happens! I guess the Super Mario Brother's song is right...
"It's a Dog's Life...Ruff Ruff Ruff"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I'm sorry I thought you were...

So I'm on the cruise and my mom signs us up for a massage and a facial---a wonderful idea, highly recommendable. There I am, toasty warm, having my feet worked on, new age music playing in the background, no one bothering me---heaven. Then the spa girl decides to start a conversation.

Her: So, how old are you?
Me: 32
Her: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were still young.

Conversation over.