Too Many Unanswered Questions

Simon is currently the King of Questions. If I am within earshot and he isn't singing he is asking me questions. The other day I decided to keep a list of all the questions he asked in an afternoon. I gave up. If I had written down all of his questions that is all I would have done.

Here are some of the questions I had to answer within that first hour:

Speaking of his partially eaten toast he asked, "Does it look like a piano?"
After eating his toast, "What does my belly say?"
"How tall am I when I'm 100?"
"Do bad guys wear red?"
"What does BBC stand for?"
"How do you spell confused?"
"Mom, did you forget my sandwich?"
"What does 64 plus 64 make?"
"Can I feed 'liza?"
"What happened to your hair?"
...and my personal favorite and the most frequently asked "but, why?"

If you ever need to prepare for a random interrogation come on over and I'll let you visit with Simon for awhile.

Feelings

Today in preschool our lesson was about feelings. During our read aloud we read "How are You Peeling" (I love that book---the pictures are all carved vegetables and fruits). Anyway we started to talk about what makes us sad. One of the boys started to cry and said missing his mom makes him sad and that he needed to go home.

Turning the page we read about some radishes that were being mean to a honeydew. We talked about the honeydew and I asked, "What do you do if someone is mean to you?" Without hesitation one of the boys said, "Well, I just punch them in the nose...hard." To which Simon says "Yeah! Let's punch those mean guys in the nose!"

The next page introduced us to jealousy which caused a heated debate over whether or not I am Simon's mom with Simon announcing that I love him the best.

Why did I think the discussing of feelings would be a good idea for 4 year olds?

Ka-Boom

Like I've mentioned before, we've been sick. When I'm sick I'm an even crappier mom than usual which means we've been watching a lot of TV around here lately. Sick days consist of wearing pj's all day, wrapping up in blankets, and lounging around on the couch watching TV and sipping sodas.

Today I began to realize the effect these past few weeks have had on Simon. This afternoon as we were sitting together eating our grilled cheese sandwiches Simon strikes up what he apparently now considers a perfectly normal conversation.

"Mom, What do you do when we have hard water?"
"Um...I don't know. Why?"
"You use Ka--Boom!" And with that he launches into one of the most annoying commercials on TV explaining the benefits of the wonder product.

I sat there stunned in my shame. What I am I teaching my child? With that I put the TV on an extended vacation (except of course during, Dirty Jobs and Biggest Loser) and we've spent the afternoon cutting things out and playing play dough.

Seriously, Ka-Boom? I'm an embarrassment to motherhood.

My In-Laws Are Right...Who Knew?

Last night the scouts came around doing a book drive that I totally forgot about. I ask them to finish the cul-de-sac then come back and I'd have some books for them. Scanning the children's book shelf I selfishly realized that I didn't want to give away any of my books. I wanted to keep them all.

Then Simon came in.
"Mom, whatcha doin'?"
"I'm looking for books that we can give to people that don't have any."
"OHHH! I get it." Then pulling out his favorite book he hands it to me and says, "How 'bout this one? I think it's a good one. Yea, the people will like it."

Now here is the part where I should write that it melted my heart (which it did) and I took this opportunity to teach my child about sacrifice and let him give away his favorite book to the scouts. But....I didn't.

Instead I told him we should save that one to read later for bedtime and instead pulled out 4 pop up bible story books. Simon and I then waited on the porch for the scouts and Simon delivered them the goods.

The moral of this story is that my in-laws are right. I am, in fact, going to Hell. Not only did I avoid the chance to teach my son about sacrifice because I didn't want to deal with the tears later when he realized his book was actually gone, but I donated the only religious children books on the shelf. Who knew my in-laws were so perceptive?

No Church This Week

All of us were sick Sunday so we all stayed home. Not only did we need the rest but sometimes I think the ward can use a break as well. Usually I feel like the family in the ward that is the 3 ring circus.

For instance there was this one time during the closing prayer in sacrament meeting that Simon somehow got his head lodged underneath a folding chair. He starts shouting "Help! Oh Help! My head is stuck!" Jon kneels down and is quietly trying to remove him but somehow he is tangled in the chair and is hopelessly stuck. Everyone around us is now watching us instead of listening to the long winded prayer giver.

Now Simon is announcing (in a very loud voice) "Dad, This is a problem. Oh yes, this is a problem. What are we going to do? I need help. This is a bad problem!" However, at this point the biggest problem wasn't the location of Simon's head but the laughter of everyone around us. Kids and adults (and Jon) were all laughing so hard we totally missed the prayer.

When the prayer ended our neighbor helped us extract Simon from the chair and we went off to drive away the spirit from other meetings. I'd like to say moments like this are isolated incidents but that would be a lie. Other events abound---like the time I used both the word "dude" and "crap" during my testimony, or the time I sent Simon to primary without his underwear, or the time my sharing time lesson went south and all the primary kids were cheering for Satan while the bishopric watched. Like I said before maybe it was good that the Evans clan missed church on Sunday. The ward needed a day of rest.

Failed Good Mom Attempt #31

I'm sick. Again. But Simon isn't. So today he wants to play outside and I say yes. Then I'm watching him out the window and there he is alone on the swing set trying to push himself on the swings. It was the loneliest thing I've ever seen. It broke my heart.

Refusing to see Simon so solemn I strap eliza into the baby back pack and head out into the backyard. "Simon!" I say, "Do you need a push?" "Ummm....sure," he says. As I'm pushing him I'm talking to him telling him how glad I am that he wanted to come outside and what a nice day it is and trying to let him know that I am happy to be spending time with him when he says, "Mom, no more talking. I'm trying to think."

After a few minutes of swinging in silence he says, "Well mom, I guess we can go ride bikes now." Poor Simon. His dang mom ruins everything for him.

The Key To Fast and Efficient Service

Tired of lousy service? Use my method and you'll never go hungry again! (Hungry for quality service that is.)

#1. Be a frazzled young mother whose just spent the morning battling crazed women at a fabric sale.
#2. Now that your in the right state drag your two children (preferably a baby and a preschooler) who are stir crazy from spending the morning in a shopping cart into a snooty golf pro shop.
#3. Make sure the preschooler runs inside before you can head him off.
#4. Crash through the door carrying a 400 pound baby carrier, a purse, and a giant diaper bag while yelling, "Simon, I hope you left your drink in the car!"
#5. Find your preschooler just inside the door unloading a giant bucket of over priced golf balls.

Within seconds you will be greeted by two attendents. One will sprint through the store to bring you the item you came for while the other one will ring you up. You will then be helped out to the car with your purchase.

Works like a charm. At least it did for me.

Hello My Name Is...

So I teach community art classes on Saturday mornings. It's a lot of fun and the kids are interesting. Some months I may have up to 30 students while other months I may have as few as 10. I have regulars whose names I know but for the most part I need the students to wear name tags so that I can identify them.

The city advertises my classes as "Drawing with Liz". A name I wouldn't have chosen and quite frankly embarrasses me....but that is a conversation for another blog entry....the point is I wear a name tag every week so that the parents know who Liz is when they arrive.

After a recent class I stopped off at the local gas station to grab a drink. While there I was approached by a group of guys ranging in age from a teenager to a guy in his 40's. I didn't know them from Adam! But they called me by name and were super friendly. They obviously knew me but because I couldn't place where I knew them from I made a hasty retreat to my car.

While searching the files of my brain (did I know them from the ward of my youth? my new ward? did I teach one of their children or siblings?) I began to pull out of the parking stall. It was then that I simultaneously noticed and realized something.
#1. The dudes inside were laughing their heads off.
#2. I was still wearing my name tag.
#3. I really didn't know them from Adam.
#4. I'm an idiot.

Again with the Fabric Stores

When will I get the fact that Simon and fabric stores just don't mix!

Saturday I stopped in at a fabric store (luckily not the one from our previous adventures) to check out a sale. I found a few items and began waiting in a long line to be checked out by a clerk that was painfully slow and somewhat confused.

Luckily for me the store had a small play area in the middle where Simon could build blocks while I waited. It is fenced off so Simon can't get in or out of it by himself and was just on the other side of a stack of fabric so he was close, safe and contained. I thought I was in the clear. I thought wrong.

Right as the cashier finally began to ring up my purchases Simon (who can't see me but knows I'm close) starts yelling "OH, Mom, Hey Mom! I have to POO!" Everyone in the store starts looking around to see who's kid this is. I stay quiet and hope he'll just be patient for a minute.

Then he starts again, "Mom! I HAFTA POO! THis is a problem! I can't get out of here!" I have to respond. So now I"m yelling, "Simon I'm almost done. It is my turn to pay. I"ll get you in just one minute." To which he responds, "I think that's not a good idea. I think that's a bad idea. I have to poo!"

The store, full of women, most of them in pairs, are now doing one of two things. Either giggling or giving each other the look. (You know that look---like why was this person allowed to breed look).

Eliza who can her Simon's voice thinks its their wicked fun yelling game and begins to holler now as well. And the girl who is helping me is recounting the 8 fat quarters I'm trying to buy for the third time!

I thought I was going to loose my mind. Simon is still talking...but now he's saying things like "It's ok. You can do it." And I hope he's just giving himself some positive reinforcement. Unfortunately, it was a pep talk while he scaled the fence which he came crashing over about 5 seconds later.

Here he comes around the corner mad as a hornet. In his most exasperated voice and with both hands up in the air he says, "MOM I SAID I HAVE TO POO!" Fortunately it was at this time the clerk finally figured out how to use a debit card for payment and within a minute we were out of there. But not before we had become the fabric store side show. When will I ever learn?

My Lyrical Genius

Simon loves music and pretty much sings all the time. My favorite part (besides hearing his funny voice) are his lyrics. Rarely does he sing songs the way they are written. He just steals the tune and makes up his own words. Two of my favorite changes are:
#1. (Sung to the tune of the last line of "I Love to See the Temple")
"I have to watch a movie. It is my sacred duty."
#2. (From "Ice Ice Baby")
"Donk Donk Donk I need rootbeer."
(Instead of Dun Dun Dun Da Da Dun Dun---which is just the beat and has no lyrics.)

I need to write down more lyrics as he sings them---especially the songs he sings to eliza. They are the best. The other day he made up a song about her stinky diaper to the tune of "Hall of the Mountain Kings" (is that what it is called all you classical music officianatos out there?) Oh how I wish I could remember the words! Or the song he made up telling me that he wasn't going to eat his lunch which he sang to the tune of Ode To Joy.