My First Filed Formal Complaint

This week I filed my first ever formal complaint against a company.

I may have felt very...I don't know justified...dignified...indignant...something if not for the fact that by filing the complaint I sealed my fate as a white trash champion forever.

That's right friends I lodged the complaint against the Chevron gas company.

And why you ask?
Don't I love my local gas station with their never ending supply of delicious, thirst quenching soda?

Why yes I do.
Or I should say I did.

But something rather unfortunate happened.

Recently the company came in and fired all the old and middle aged workers (...Crazy Eyes...Chain Smoker...The Guy That Needs a Shower...I'm Too Tired To Get Off My Chair Man...all of them whom I loved and gave Christmas gifts to...all of them that even my kids know on a first name basis) and replaced them with young, sour faced girls and creepy, younger men.

Why?
Who knows.

But I hate it.

And I don't go there anymore.
Seriously.
It makes me that mad.

Will my Dr.Pepper habit survive?
Will I ever love the gas station again?

Only time will tell.

Bix, Vin, and Tam

So Simon is bringing home his take home reading books. We read one incredibly mind numbing book every night and then return it the next day only to have it replaced by something else even more hideous than the first.

Who writes this crap?

Recently the characters in these masterpieces have had names that aren't even words...my personal favorites are Tam, Bix, and Vin. (Apparently the authors of these books haven't visited a suburb here in these United States...if so the characters may have had names like Sam, Tom, Tim, Ben, Jen, Dan, etc...)

Is it too much to ask for my kid to learn to read something where he may actually use the words he's learning to read?

Oh well, I suppose Tam's bird watching adventure was more exciting than tonight's selection where the exact same sentence was repeated on every page. By page 5 Simon lets out a giant sigh and says, "I know, I KNOW!!! How many times do they have to tell me that worker bees help their families?!?"

7 times Simon. 7 times. At least that is how many pages were in your book.

Oh S@#*%! I Need To Buy My Daughter Some Princess Movies!

Since my first child was a boy we are a little heavy on the made for boys movies. Most of our cartoons are DVD's like Robin Hood, Toy Story, Kung Fu Panda, Cars, etc. Then as he got older we bought movies like Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Jumungi, The Never Ending Story and of course...The Sandlot.

The Sandlot. It's a classic and one of my top ten favorite movies of all time. I just love it. And so do my kids. Especially Grace my lovely, beautiful, tiny 2 year old daughter.

She can't get enough of it. She would have it running all the time on every TV if we would let her.

But we won't.
Especially now.

See, there is this really exciting part in the movie where Benny "pickles the beast" at which point the beast (a giant killer dog gorilla thing that ate one kid already) leaps the fence and heads straight towards Benny. As Benny turns his head to see the approaching doom he yells, "Oh S#%*!" and takes off in a dead run.

Now, I don't blame Benny for his bad language or for his bad influence on Grace but for the time being Benny is banned from our house. Sorry Benny.

However, I think that everyone will accept the banishment as just when they learn (or hear or see) my delicate little blue eyed, blond curly headed toddler yelling "Oh S#%*!" and taking off in a dead run anytime something even remotely exciting happens. (Try laughing that off in the hallway at church...or the grocery store..or the toy section of Target.)

The evidence is clear.
It's time to invest in some princess movies.

(Oh...what was that? I could just be a better parent? Teach her better language? Make her use her imagination? Please. Do you even know me? sheez.....)

Does Every Creep Begin With Kay?

Is anyone else freaked out by the current Kay Jewelers commercial....attractive woman alone in a cabin in the woods with a serial killer? (Ok...so I don't know if he's a serial killer or not but if I was a betting woman my money would be on death.)

The weather is bad. In fact according to the boyfriend, it's the worst storm in years. The woman is scared. A boulder careens into the window which miraculously doesn't break. (I'm not sure how--- possibly it was launched by a remote controlled catapult for dramatic effect by said boyfriend.)

The woman jumps and then is grabbed by Captain Wet Hair who is wearing a sweater and holding a box (which to me is a far scarier combination than the storm with the flying foam boulders). "Don't worry, I'm here." he says in a soothing voice while pulling her closer.

Then enter the voice change...think Jack Nicholson in The Shining OR (no no no this is better ) in Silence of the Lambs when he says "Clarice"----yea, that's it...as you hear him end the commercial with "and I always will be."

AAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOld on. Let me say that again...AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Don't take the ring lady! DON'T TAKE THE RING!!!!
For crying out loud haven't you ever seen a horror movie? Where did you spend your teenage years? Under a rock? Watching the Sound of Music? This night will not end well. Do you hear me? THIS NIGHT WILL NOT END WELL!!!!

Ok, liz...calm down. It was just a commercial. No search parties will be formed in the morning. You can sleep easy. Just try not to think about the cabin with the man who will always be there.

I Can't Believe I Said It Again

This blog is named after an incident where I found myself yelling at Simon in my mother's entry way as he was opening a can of whoop on her giant poinsettia plants.

In fact that scene was the catalyst for the creation of the blog. I started thinking about all the insane things I say, do, and have happen to me everyday and I thought I better write this stuff down because when I tell my kids these stories later they'll never believe me.

Who knows, maybe they won't believe me even having them written down. Heck, I don't believe half of them myself and I'm the one they happened to.....

...like this one:

I said it again...

This afternoon I found myself walking into the kitchen and yelling "Gracie!!! Don't Punch the Poinsettia's!!!"

Who knew that would happen twice?

Not me.
(How was I supposed to know that my children have been genetically altered to hate poinsettias?)

But there she was, standing on the kitchen table going mid-evil on my brand new poinsettia plant. Fists flying. Leaves dropping. Me yelling.

Don't believe it when they tell you that lightening doesn't strike twice.

I'm just praying I don't start reliving all the incidents from this blog...the working at Hooters (which I never did), the cat getting stuck on my head, the mating of plastic horses (if you didn't read about it...don't ask), and, well, pretty much every other story I've ever chronicled....I just don't think I can take it again.

Oh and kids just wait...One day when you're grown, you'll find me in your home during the holidays and what will I be doing? I'll be giving your poinsettias the beat down of their lives. And that will be a story you can believe.

Fushigi!

So, I just bought Simon a Fushigi for Christmas. That's right, a Fushigi. "The As Seen on TV Magic Anti-Gravity Ball!" FUSHIGI!!!!

It was just sitting there at Wal-Mart next to the Sponge-Bob-Square-Pants-Made-For-Adults-Snuggies. (No, I'm not kidding. I can't make crap like this up.) And I bought it.

I had to.

It was either that or let Simon buy it himself.

You see, he is completly taken by the advertisments with the floating metal ball and the nerd-a-rific tricks it can do. He's been saving up all his chore money and counting it everyday to see if he has "only $19.99 plus shipping and handling" so he can "order one today!" And I don't want him spending his hard earned, base board scrubbing money on a lousy piece of shanaynay.

So I bought the lousy piece of shanaynay...

And it was kind of embarrassing....at the Wal-Mart in my pajamas next to the Snuggies buying a Fushigi on my way to the gas station to get a soda...
...I bet people were wondering how many snot nosed brats I had waiting for me back at my mo-beel home...

Oh well, Merry Christmas Simon....I hope your Fushigi is everything you dream it will be.

What the Hack?

About a month ago someone hacked into my dad's email account and sent everyone a very long very detailed testimonial about the benefits of using Viagra. Knowing my very conservative father and the ultra conservative cooperation he works for I found the situation hilarious.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

This week someone hacked into my email account and sent everyone on my contact list a very long very detailed testimonial about the benefits of using Viagra.

People who received said information include Simon's school teacher, members of my church, and of course my dad...who laughed and laughed laughed.